This time last week, Angelique and I were at an amazing event for (mostly) women entrepreneurs called SHINE. SHINE was a three-day conference at the Venetian hotel in Las Vegas, hosted by the internet marketing mogul Ali Brown. (If you don’t know who Ali is, you really need to check her out at www.alibrown.com)

And what a great time we had! We heard some inspirational speakers (including the hysterically funny Barbara Corcoran of “Shark Tank” and the stunning Oscar-winning actress Marlee Matlin), networked with some other dynamic women business owners, danced at the hot spot Tao and shopped (not nearly enough) at some fabulous boutiques. (It is confirmed: Angelique and I are handbagaholics. Is there a support group for that?)

We also heard a lot of stories from other attendees about their struggles on the path to success. One theme we kept hearing over and over was how these bright, competent women were sabotaging themselves and their businesses.

Woman after woman shook their heads about how they allowed relationship problems to derail their work. Others talked about how, time after time, they charged too little for their services, and then when higher paying clients came along, they were too busy to accept them. And still others spoke about splitting their time between two different business endeavors, not being able to commit to either.

So why do we engage in such self-defeating behavior? Although there can be a lot of reasons we self-sabotage, one of the most common is fear of success.

Fear of success often takes us by surprise because it isn’t very logical. Sure, it’s easy to see why we’re afraid of failure. After all, no one wants to be denied what they desire, to embarrass themselves or feel like a loser. But fear of actually getting what you want? That’s crazy talk!

Admittedly, it does sound kind of odd until you really take a look at what’s behind it. A fear of success usually comes not from a fear of getting that thing you desire, but from being afraid of what the consequences of that success will be.

One of the biggest consequences of success that we fear is how others will respond to us if we reach our potential. We’re afraid others may be jealous or resentful which might lead to a loss of that relationship.

I believe that this is one of the biggest reasons why women in particular hold themselves back. We’ve been taught from an early age that men are the ones who are supposed to be successful, and they’re also the ones who are allowed to enjoy it. Women who create profitable and fulfilling careers are taught to downplay their success so that they don’t make their partner feel less than.

And it’s true: success can cost women relationships. Break-ups are practically a curse of Academy Award-winning actresses. When a woman who is partnered with a less successful actor wins an Oscar, you can pretty much count down the days until the disastrous demise of their relationship. (Think Hilary Swank, Reese Witherspoon, Julia Roberts.)

So it’s really no wonder that we as women often don’t allow ourselves to succeed, which, frankly, really sucks. (Okay, I’m going to climb down off of my soapbox now and go back into helpful advice mode. )

Another really aggravating issue around fear of success is that it’s very sneaky. It often comes into your life masquerading as something else. So what are some of the common guises that it appears in?

• Believing you’re unworthy of success
• Reminding yourself of all of the downsides of success or scaring yourself with negative possibilities
• Fearing that if you get what you want, it will all be taken away from you
• Feeling guilty when you do succeed
• Discounting your hard work and achievement
• Losing your motivation when you get close to reaching your goal
• Knowing what you need to do to succeed and then not doing it

Do you recognize yourself in any of these? If so, you need to take action now to get yourself on the right track. There are a few ways you can go about dealing with a fear of success.

One of the most common is something called the “downward arrow.” The way it works is that you ask yourself what will happen if you achieved your goal? So, for example, what would happen if you started bringing home a six figure income? Maybe your answer is that you would be making more money than your husband.

Once you’ve answered that, you keep going with that line of questioning, repeating, “what would happen then?” “Well, he might feel like he’s not the breadwinner anymore.” And… what would happen then? And so on…. You just keep going until you come to the root of your fear. Once you’ve identified what you’re truly afraid of, you can devise a concrete plan to deal with it.

You can also question the evidence. When you find yourself saying something self-sabotaging like “my family will resent me if I start making lots of money,” look for the proof. How can you be sure they’ll resent you? Or if you don’t think you’re worthy of success, ask “Who says you’re not worthy? How can they be sure?” Most of the time you’ll find that when you really start looking at your fears, you’ll discover that they’re paper tigers—they just won’t stand up to the scrutiny.

My last suggestion is to surround yourself with people who do believe in your ability and worthiness. They really will rub off on you.

I’m going to end this post in inspirational mode, just like Ali ended her conference—with the brilliant words of Marianne Williamson:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us – it’s in everyone.

And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Couldn’t have said it better myself.